Adventures in zoology

Note: posts in the blog originally appeared in my column Amuse-bouche in the Napa Valley Register

 

For my science elective in college, I took geology, and learned quite a lot about rocks, glaciers, volcanoes, tectonic plates and continental drift – all very useful in understanding the natural world, especially here in earthquake country.

I loved it. But in retrospect, I wish I’d taken zoology instead.

If I had only learned how to spot the subtle differences between toads and frogs, I might not have kissed quite so many examples of the wrong genus over the years.

Alas, without Zool 101, I had to learn by trial and error. Decades of enthusiastic amateur research have taught me that if you can find an actual frog, there’s a  real possibility that a kiss may reveal an enchanted prince. Fun magic.

Toads, on the other hand, just turn into bigger toads when you kiss them.

But there is often an upside to kissing them: the Outrageous Dating Story, or “No Wonder This Guy Is Still Available.” And – because so many of my toad encounters have played out over meals – particular dishes or restaurants spark some amusing memories.

Eating scrambled eggs late at night reminds me of the blind date who insisted we arrive an hour early for a 7:00 p.m. play, because they had open seating and he wanted to make sure we had the absolute “best” seats. I came directly from work to meet him. We were so early we had to hunt down someone to take his two-for-one half price coupon. Once inside, we were the only ones sitting on the hard wooden bleachers. And the snack bar served only coffee. After an hour of bench warming, they had mustered a small audience. By that time, my butt was sore and I was ready to leave – but then the (boring) play started. I spent most of the last act trying to restore circulation to my behind and musing about where we might go for dinner afterwards.

Finally it was over. “I’m starving!” I announced brightly.

“Really?” he said. “I ate before I came.” He made it pretty clear he had no intention of treating me to so much as an ice cream cone – or sitting in a restaurant while I treated myself.

Fortunately, we weren’t far from my house. He walked me home and made noises about coming up, but frankly, scrambled eggs – by myself – held much greater appeal.

When I pass a certain Vietnamese restaurant, I recall an attorney who was so fascinated by the sound of his own voice that he held me hostage at our table for an hour and a half after the check arrived, ignoring my yawns as well as the hovering waiters – and, eventually, the broom-wielding cleaning crew. I finally convinced him it was time to leave, by pulling out all the cash I had on me and standing up. After pocketing it, he discovered the restaurant didn’t take credit cards and he didn’t have enough to cover his half of the check, so I sat there for another 20 minutes while he found an ATM. I left him talking at my front door. I’m not sure he noticed I’d gone.

And there have been so many others that it’s a wonder I can eat anything, anywhere, without a dash down Toad Hall’s memory lane. Cantonese food reminds me of the guy who would only eat bland white dishes. Pizza, the blind date who asked me, “Now which one were you?” (Twice!) Brunch, the gent whose idea of splitting a $25 check was to take my $20 bill and add his $5 to it. Burgers at a jazz club, the fellow who spent dinner flirting with the waitress – and left with her phone number. French food, the man who got up from the table mid-bite and rushed outside where it was quieter because it was time to call his mother. And I could go on.

I hear that some varieties of frogs are threatened with extinction – which alas, does not surprise me. I have first-hand evidence that they are rare and harder to find every year.

But I know for a fact that there’s no shortage of toads.

 

* * * * *

 

The only thing wrong with the guy who taught me this dish was the fiancée he neglected to mention. Well, at least I got a good recipe out of it!

 

Linguini and Broccoli with Clam Sauce

 

3 Tbsp. olive oil

8 cloves garlic, finely minced

1/4 cup chopped parsley (about 1/2 a bunch)

1/2 tsp. dried basil

1/2 tsp. dried oregano

1/2 pound mushrooms, roughly chopped (1/4” to 1/2” dice)

One 10-ounce can of baby clams in their juice

1/4 tsp. red pepper flakes

salt and pepper

1 lemon

10 ounces ( a bit more than half a package) linguini

2 large heads of broccoli, cut into bite-sized pieces

 

Bring a large pot of water to boil for the pasta. While it is heating, warm a large sauté pan over medium-high heat. Put in the olive oil, and when it is hot, add the garlic. Cook, stirring frequently, for about 15 seconds then add the parsley, basil and oregano and continue to cook for another minute. Add the mushrooms, and cook until they soften and give off their liquid, about 4 to 5 minutes. Add the clams and cook until for another 1 to 2 minutes. Add the red pepper flakes and squeeze in some lemon juice. Add salt and pepper to taste. Cover and keep warm while you cook the pasta.

Cook the linguini in heavily salted water according to the package directions. About halfway through the cooking time, add the broccoli to the water along with the pasta.

When the pasta and broccoli are cooked, drain, reserving about 1/2 cup of the cooking water. Toss the pasta and broccoli with the clam sauce, adding in the reserved cooking water.

Serves 4